Dear Sophia,
I'd like to get this letter in before you make your appearance into the world. I have about a month left until your official due date--but if my instincts are in tact, I think you will be here a little sooner. There's some things I'd like you to know about the world you are about to enter and what life is like right now.
First, know that you are a blessing. I struggled for years with the idea of having another baby. I wanted you so very badly, but 4 years ago I stepped into a very demanding career and thought that because of that choice, I would have to sacrifice the idea of expanding our family. I'm so glad I got my priorities straight and realized that there isn't a career in this world that will ever be more important than the blessing of a family. That is not to say that this decision has been an easy one--juggling you and this career will undoubtedly be one of the most difficult things I've ever done. But I want you to know that it's a sacrifice worth making to get to know you, to get to love you, to get to have you share my last name, share in the laughter of your siblings, share in the memories of every Christmas, Thanksgiving, summer vacation and more. You are a blessing in every way.
You also need to know that you are so profoundly and deeply loved. I have had the awesome privilege of loving Dante and Isabelle. There is nothing like it. I already love you and I already feel connected to you. I know that it will come as naturally to love you as it has to love your big brother and sister. Know that this is a short paragraph only because trying to express that love in writing is an impossibility that even I cannot begin to surmount. I think your big sister says it best--"I love you so much, I don't even know how much I love you." It's pretty incomprehensible.
You should also know that you are fortunate enough to have an amazing father. I have never known a man more committed to his children than your daddy. He loves Dante and Isabelle so much. It's crazy how attached he is to them. He loves to play with them, to joke with them, to laugh with them. He is very protective and heavily involved in every aspect of their life. You will not have to worry about getting attention from your daddy. He's a hugger too. He will hug you a lot. And everyday (several times a day) he will tell you that he loves you. He will do just about anything for you. (here's a little hint that your brother and sister have figured out--he has a really, really hard time saying no when you want something--Isabelle especially has figured out how to maximize off of this weakness wherever we go). He loves trips to Dairy Queen, will support whatever weird thing you are into (please, please just don't let it be Pokemon like Dante and Isabelle), and will get the greatest joy out of your successes and achievement. He will also carry a broken heart everywhere he goes for you and your sadness. You are so lucky, Sophia, because your daddy is in my opinion, the best daddy a little girl could have.
You will also be blessed with a wonderful set of siblings. Dante, your older brother, is very wise. Take note of his old soul. He is analytical, intelligent, and the kindest heart you will ever know. Learn from him. Mimic his talents and his intellect. View the world from his eyes, because it's not only a magical place from his perspective, but it's full of curiosity and an eagerness to seek answers to an array of questions. Learn how to be generous, compassionate, and enduring from him. Your older sister has been thrilled about your existence since the day we told her about you. Everyday she greets me with a hug, then pats my belly and talks to you. You will love her free spirit, her independence, and her strong will. From her you will learn how to have a strong voice in this world and how to laugh from the depths of your belly. You are so blessed to have them as your models and guides in this world. I trust them, their perspective, and their relationship with the world to provide a magical roadmap for your follow.
There are many more people who love you and who are anxiously awaiting your entrance into the world and they too will love you and embrace you. My hope for you is that you are always surrounded by their love and that you know what it means to have an abundance of people who you can turn to whenever you need help, support and love in this world.
I know that by accepting you into my life, I am also accepting some difficulties along the way. No matter how hard I try, I will not be able to protect you from the inevitable heartbreaks you will undoubtedly stumble upon along the way. People will let you down. Things will sometimes not turn out how you hoped. You will be disappointed and your heart will break more times than I ever wish I had to think about. Life is hard. You will struggle, you will cry, you will want to give up. You will fail at things. But, my sweet baby girl, there isn't a bridge you will cross alone in this world. I will be by your side every step of the way, loving you, guiding you, and holding your hand. And when you are ready someday to take these things on yourself, I will be right behind you...just incase.
But please also know that life is beautiful. Laugh a lot. Fall in love. Make friends that feel like sisters. Go on adventures--take lots of road trips (mommy and daddy will get you started on this one--wait till you see the adventures we have in store for you). Read great books, enjoy great meals, get lost in epic films. Turn your ear to running rivers, let your hands tingle under the prick of fresh white snow, trail your face in the summer rain, and gaze at the amazing sunsets of Arizona with an intense appreciation of their beauty.
And a few quick pieces of advice (just some things I've learned along the way)-work hard and be passionate about what you do, but play hard too. Enjoy the fruits of your labor. Do not ever be afraid of failure--it's inevitable. Please, however, be afraid of failure overcoming you and becoming daunted by it's grasp. Learn from failure, understand it's role in your life, and allow it to become the force that prompts your maturity and growth, not the force that you succumb to. Accept what you cannot change and move on. Please don't ever get caught up in the past to the point where it hurts your future. Let worries turn into motivation and not anxiety. Stay away from toxic people and do not entertain their desire to bring you down. Do not become a toxic person. Do the right thing, with the right intentions, no matter how intense the pressure is to do otherwise. Live with integrity. Honor your truth. Be faithful and committed to your family and your friends. Do not be deterred by other people's opinions or other people's attempts to bring you down, the more successful you become, the meaner and more envious others will become. Know that is their problem, not yours. Strive--keep striving--and when you reach the summit of any dream, start eyeballing the next biggest mountain. Take advantage of learning. Get educated and value the gifts of growing through learning. Be generous to others. Stay away from bad influences, who you surround yourself with says a lot about your character. Say sorry if you are wrong. Accept apologies when they are given and work hard to fix the broken relationships that deserve second chances. Take the time to say I love you to those you love, often and with conviction. Stand up for what you believe in, no matter how unpopular it may be. Be a problem-solver, always look for alternatives and ways to fix things and exersize innovation. Listen--twice as much as you talk. (Daddy would want me to throw in that you should be wise with money--he will teach you all about this someday). Smile (do this one a lot--because somehow I can predict that you have a beautiful one, and the world deserves it often). And above all, whenever things feel overwhelming and as if there's no piece of advice in the world that could rescue your broken heart--turn to me, turn to your father, turn to Dante and Isabelle. We are always here for you.
I cannot predict what will happen in the years to come as we grow older together. I have learned that life throws you unexpected curve balls and the plans you thought were rooted deep into a solid foundation, may find themselves lifting off the ground and taking root elsewhere. The future feels as uncertain as ever...but the biggest certainly I know in this moment--the unshakeable foundation that I feel total confidence committing to is that I love you and I will always love you. No matter what.
--I cannot wait to see your precious face. I am a better person for loving you and the world will be a better place for having you. Until we meet---may you rest soundly under my heart--and when we meet--know you will always have my heart.
With Love--
Mommy
Monday, June 9, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Been A While--
I literally could not even remember the web address to my blogging site, because it's been so long. But, I spent the latter of the last hour searching desperately for access to my blog because the urge to write has been clawing at my soul for the last several days. I would venture to guess this is due mostly to the fact that I have had some much needed down time after a whirlwind of a school year....and I would also venture to guess it's because I have had a whirlwind of a school year and need to get some things off my chest.
I just completed my 4th year as a middle school principal. I am convinced more than ever that this job will never get easier. I think experience helps minimize the pressure of some of the compliance issues, but the emotional toll---there's never relief. The politics of this job are insane and the pressure to rise to the challenges that face not only public education in general, but public education in a rural community are surmounting. I think I've gotten good (or at least better) at some of the managerial aspects of this job. I wonder if I will ever get good at balancing the emotional toll that a job like this takes on you.
I have been challenged in ways that I could have never imagined in the last 9 months. If I listed them all, nobody would ever make it through this blog. Some of those challenges I have met with dignity and integrity, and some of them I lost my balance and fell into the gutter. Particularly, several months back, after the political warfare that plagued my district and school came to a head, I took to social media to defend my school. It ended up as front page news, literally. Now, I would have never in a million years guessed that my emotional response would have been important enough to put an editors fingers to the keyboard, but nonetheless, it was. I have struggled since seeing my name smeared across the font of the local paper to come to terms with that situation. On one hand there is a small part of me that feels proud to own the stance I took against many of the fallacies that have shaken the foundation of trust in our schools within our community. I did then and still do believe in my district. That is not a bad thing, nor should it be perceived as one. You wouldn't want me on the front lines if I didn't believe in the work we do in Bisbee. You wouldn't want me there if there wasn't a sense that I had a deep loyalty to BUSD, our cause, our kids, and education in general. The truth is, I do believe in what I do, I believe I am part of a bigger picture that can make a difference for the kids in the town I grew up in. I could literally work in any school in America, but I choose to stay with my Bisbee family...to serve the kids of the families I have known for generations. I have no hidden agenda or cause. My ambitions do not extend beyond my current mission. Defending the work I do, that the amazing people I work with do, that is not a bad thing. I am also a fierce supporter of my 1st Amendment rights, and contrary to the paper's attempt to make this a violation of my district policy and dangle my employment up against my decision, I will never back down from the defense of my freedom to air my opinion of the organization that has put faith in my ability to serve as principal. But...on the other hand, there is something very damaging about seeing your own name swaddled in controversy. By nature, I am not a person drawn to conflict, so this rattled me to the core. But, it's done. The headline hit the press, hit the newsstand, hit the front doors of my neighbors, friends, family and enemies. I second-guess my decision daily, particularly my decision to wrestle in the mud with people who are, quite frankly, much better at mud-slinging than I will ever be. This was one of the greatest challenges I have faced in the last 9 months and in my career in general.
Now, with a little distance between that headline and now, I've got to get to a place of acceptance and take from it what I can. Perhaps the greatest lesson of all for me is that you may not have the political forces on your side and that sometimes the popular rhetoric is not always telling the true story. However, that should not deter you from your efforts or make you stray from your intended path. I was not always on the popular side this school year and yet my loyalties did not shift from the minority to the popular majority. This is true. I'm kinda proud of myself for staying the course and planting my feet firmly on the side of my conscience and my truth. I'm also proud that I'm choosing to stick with this, despite the ever-growing temptation to jump ship. I'm still here. I'm still standing. I took a few punches this school year, but I also think I grew a few new muscles.
My Achilles heel has always been how personally I take this job. I struggle leaving it at the door every day. I'll bring a laptop case full of papers and job-related worries through my front door every night. My worries and fears, the bullets and blows, the heartaches, triumphs, and failures find their way as the third person in my bed every time my head hits the pillow. I've seen the hours of 2, 3, 4...the various cycles of the moon, and the shadows on the wall thinking about this job. Critics of this will say that it will be my downfall. That my inability to draw a clear and visible line in the sand between my personal and professional life will eventually drive me right out of this job. Supporters will appreciate how personally I take it and how much of my own emotional self I pour into the work I do. Perhaps they are both right. Only time will tell. I, for one, hope to believe that there is something to be said about the vague line in the sand. That...investing this much into a job that literally, and I mean literally, shapes human lives, is not a bad thing. It takes someone with both the mind and the heart. If you are missing one or the other, I can't imagine how you could possibly impact change.
Last week marked the end of the school year. A young lady who entered my school mid-year in a desperate attempt to run from a shattered past and very dark existence came into my office and put down a note without saying a word. Now, mind you, this is a young lady whose face I hardly saw because she kept her eyes hidden under dark long hair. She was a rebel to the core, from her clothing to her attitude, everything about her was screaming for help. Of all the kids in the school, she's the last I would have ever guessed would have taken the time to write me a note. I can't quote it exactly, but the message was one of thanks. Thanks for giving her a chance, for believing in her, for being so kind to her and for opening up my office to her.
This is often a thankless job--but when the thanks do come, they are profound and deeply meaningful. It was exactly what I needed to end the year. That little note will never make the headlines or sell the newspapers, but I have vowed to invest more of my over-emotional self into the message of that note than into the headline that smeared my name. I'm still here. I'm still standing.
And that note...that note is exactly why.
I just completed my 4th year as a middle school principal. I am convinced more than ever that this job will never get easier. I think experience helps minimize the pressure of some of the compliance issues, but the emotional toll---there's never relief. The politics of this job are insane and the pressure to rise to the challenges that face not only public education in general, but public education in a rural community are surmounting. I think I've gotten good (or at least better) at some of the managerial aspects of this job. I wonder if I will ever get good at balancing the emotional toll that a job like this takes on you.
I have been challenged in ways that I could have never imagined in the last 9 months. If I listed them all, nobody would ever make it through this blog. Some of those challenges I have met with dignity and integrity, and some of them I lost my balance and fell into the gutter. Particularly, several months back, after the political warfare that plagued my district and school came to a head, I took to social media to defend my school. It ended up as front page news, literally. Now, I would have never in a million years guessed that my emotional response would have been important enough to put an editors fingers to the keyboard, but nonetheless, it was. I have struggled since seeing my name smeared across the font of the local paper to come to terms with that situation. On one hand there is a small part of me that feels proud to own the stance I took against many of the fallacies that have shaken the foundation of trust in our schools within our community. I did then and still do believe in my district. That is not a bad thing, nor should it be perceived as one. You wouldn't want me on the front lines if I didn't believe in the work we do in Bisbee. You wouldn't want me there if there wasn't a sense that I had a deep loyalty to BUSD, our cause, our kids, and education in general. The truth is, I do believe in what I do, I believe I am part of a bigger picture that can make a difference for the kids in the town I grew up in. I could literally work in any school in America, but I choose to stay with my Bisbee family...to serve the kids of the families I have known for generations. I have no hidden agenda or cause. My ambitions do not extend beyond my current mission. Defending the work I do, that the amazing people I work with do, that is not a bad thing. I am also a fierce supporter of my 1st Amendment rights, and contrary to the paper's attempt to make this a violation of my district policy and dangle my employment up against my decision, I will never back down from the defense of my freedom to air my opinion of the organization that has put faith in my ability to serve as principal. But...on the other hand, there is something very damaging about seeing your own name swaddled in controversy. By nature, I am not a person drawn to conflict, so this rattled me to the core. But, it's done. The headline hit the press, hit the newsstand, hit the front doors of my neighbors, friends, family and enemies. I second-guess my decision daily, particularly my decision to wrestle in the mud with people who are, quite frankly, much better at mud-slinging than I will ever be. This was one of the greatest challenges I have faced in the last 9 months and in my career in general.
Now, with a little distance between that headline and now, I've got to get to a place of acceptance and take from it what I can. Perhaps the greatest lesson of all for me is that you may not have the political forces on your side and that sometimes the popular rhetoric is not always telling the true story. However, that should not deter you from your efforts or make you stray from your intended path. I was not always on the popular side this school year and yet my loyalties did not shift from the minority to the popular majority. This is true. I'm kinda proud of myself for staying the course and planting my feet firmly on the side of my conscience and my truth. I'm also proud that I'm choosing to stick with this, despite the ever-growing temptation to jump ship. I'm still here. I'm still standing. I took a few punches this school year, but I also think I grew a few new muscles.
My Achilles heel has always been how personally I take this job. I struggle leaving it at the door every day. I'll bring a laptop case full of papers and job-related worries through my front door every night. My worries and fears, the bullets and blows, the heartaches, triumphs, and failures find their way as the third person in my bed every time my head hits the pillow. I've seen the hours of 2, 3, 4...the various cycles of the moon, and the shadows on the wall thinking about this job. Critics of this will say that it will be my downfall. That my inability to draw a clear and visible line in the sand between my personal and professional life will eventually drive me right out of this job. Supporters will appreciate how personally I take it and how much of my own emotional self I pour into the work I do. Perhaps they are both right. Only time will tell. I, for one, hope to believe that there is something to be said about the vague line in the sand. That...investing this much into a job that literally, and I mean literally, shapes human lives, is not a bad thing. It takes someone with both the mind and the heart. If you are missing one or the other, I can't imagine how you could possibly impact change.
Last week marked the end of the school year. A young lady who entered my school mid-year in a desperate attempt to run from a shattered past and very dark existence came into my office and put down a note without saying a word. Now, mind you, this is a young lady whose face I hardly saw because she kept her eyes hidden under dark long hair. She was a rebel to the core, from her clothing to her attitude, everything about her was screaming for help. Of all the kids in the school, she's the last I would have ever guessed would have taken the time to write me a note. I can't quote it exactly, but the message was one of thanks. Thanks for giving her a chance, for believing in her, for being so kind to her and for opening up my office to her.
This is often a thankless job--but when the thanks do come, they are profound and deeply meaningful. It was exactly what I needed to end the year. That little note will never make the headlines or sell the newspapers, but I have vowed to invest more of my over-emotional self into the message of that note than into the headline that smeared my name. I'm still here. I'm still standing.
And that note...that note is exactly why.
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