6 Months After the UHaul

Well, today marks 6 months since the U-Haul backed out of my driveway in Bisbee and made its way through the tunnel toward my new life.  It’s been a whirlwind.  A year ago, I was only beginning to entertain the idea of moving and then just like that-in what felt like a blink of an eye, an opportunity came up that moved my life from zero to 100 just like that. With only a small window to decide, I made a decision that I could barely justify in my own mind, but somehow felt like the right thing deep down in my heart.  I left everything I knew and had grown accustomed for my entire life—primarily to escape the backstabbing, highly political and environment of BUSD and the ongoing drama in my life—but mostly to focus on serenity and peace for my little family, who had far too long put up with a level of stress that made me less available to them.

So, 6 months later, here are my thoughts…

I am healthier in so many ways. Physically, I’ve dropped almost 20 pounds, emotionally I must have dropped 1,000.  My new job is still incredibly demanding—in fact, my responsibilities here are much greater. But I am able to work with great efficiency, because the emotional stress does not weigh me down.  As a family, we have bonded at a deeper level.  In Bisbee Dante and I were running ourselves into the ground—here we are focused on the growth of our children and the time we have gained from making that the ultimate priority has given rise to a wonderful bond between us all. 

I have also gained a ton of new perspective. I can’t understand how I allowed myself to fall into a pattern in which I remained in a situation where my value was minimized by a handful of people.  For so long, I thought I had an obligation to stick it out and not let them win. My pride kept me miserable. The fact is, nobody who put a hurdle in my path is claiming any level of victory over my life. I didn’t lose—I won by walking away.  I didn’t surrender to them, I surrendered to the useless drama.  I know now, there is only one arena in which I will ever refuse to surrender- and that is the fight for my family.  I also went through phases where I hoped with time, people would relent and move towards the center. I have this unyielding, and perhaps naive belief that as humans we are programmed more with kindness and good—and that with time and good intentions steering our ship, we can navigate rough waters and work our way towards calm. The truth is there are some people you cannot hope to change.  But, as my husband always says, while you cannot control their behavior, you can certainly control your response.  I found myself wrestling in the mud too often, which goes against the better part of me.  I was so immersed in hateful drama that I started to become the hateful drama. I did not recognize myself anymore.  And so I walked away.

I also stuck it out for so long for one more reason.  I felt an obligation to the students, staff and community I had always served and had a vision I desperately wanted for those kids.  This isn’t fluff. I really mean this. I trusted my own flesh and blood in that school system and there isn’t anything I want more for them than a sound education. How much more invested could I be? When I entered public education 10 years ago I had such a strong optimism and passion for public education.  I truly, truly believed it could change lives…save lives.  By the latter part of my time in Bisbee that passion had dwindled.  I was so exhausted. Again, I didn’t recognize my own spirit.  My belief in education had always been so deeply engrained in me—and yet, by the end, I was so deflated by the overriding politics and personal agendas taking priority over those simple beliefs that my flame just slowly faded into the darkness.  That’s exactly when I knew I had to move on…if I had become so polarizing that it was more about the politics surrounding me and not about the kids, I had to go.  Still breaks my heart. The truth is in my new school there is such a need. There are stories here that would blow your mind—kids who arrive in taxi cabs from group homes and others who wear the same outfit days on end. I am committed to them, without a doubt, but grieving the fact that I am not serving BUSD.  Fortunately, I have regained my passion and my belief in our system because here the politics take a back seat, and that means everything. However, I will always feel regret for walking away from Bisbee schools. As much as I love the students here, and believe me, I do…there’s something about serving your hometown kids that just means something more.  I’ll spend forever trying to overcome that decision…

I will say, while the change has been revitalizing…it has not all been rainbows and sunshine. Letting go comes with a lot of pain.  One of the greatest challenges has been watching my husband give up coaching.   He started with BHS basketball as a volunteer coach a year out of graduating high school and has been involved every year since. He sat patiently in volunteer positions, assistant coach and JV positions, until finally he had the awesome opportunity to stand at the helm.  Amazing kids, amazing chemistry... I get so frustrated with people who knock the sports experience.  I can’t tell you how many kids he had the opportunity to mentor and change.  It wasn’t ever just about basketball, it was about kids from Naco and Bisbee with barriers in life you couldn’t possibly imagine. The court provided a place to reach them, to mentor them, to challenge them and teach them lessons that translate into life. Hard work, teamwork, sacrifice, failure, victory, character.  On Thanksgiving he got a text message from one of his players, now a senior- ‘coach, thanks for everything.”  I know Dante walked away from something that meant so much to him for me and I hurt everyday thinking about that sacrifice. Tonight we’ll travel to Desert Christian to watch the boys in their season opener and experience BHS basketball from a vantage point foreign to him—from the sidelines. 

…and so it goes, as they say, life does go on.  I have yet to come to terms with everything I experienced the last 5 years or so in Bisbee. I think for me, I’m in that phase right after a massive storm, where you are thankful you made it out, but are stumbling through the rubble, assessing the damage, and knowing full and well that life will never be the same.  The past 5 years brought my greatest life challenges. My professional and personal life stood in the ring and fought a bloody battle against life.   It shook my faith, reshaped my view of humanity, and pushed me to my emotional limits. But most of all, it changed me.  I watched my mom go through cancer, a heart attack, and several very scary episodes. I had my character, my values, and my intentions scrutinized publicly.  Relationships changed- some moved towards a deeper level than I could have ever hoped for…others were lost along the way- some which cut so deep I still grieve for them and maybe always will.  I stood in crowds of supporters and in empty rooms- alone with only the chaos of my life. I questioned myself and my own integrity. And that was just the emotional aspects of my life. Physically I carried all this weight while raising two kids, adding a new baby, entering into a doctoral program, and working as a principal. I stumbled many times along the way. I made decisions out of pure emotion, hurt people I loved…I was far from perfect. But at the end of most days I made every effort to find my center, reach for my moral compass, and reunite my heart with my integrity.  I spent the greater part of the last several years fighting like hell to keep my soul alive, my passions in tact, and my strength at the center.

I made it through that storm…there is rubble everywhere, but the foundation remains. I’m rebuilding.

There’s so much more that has happened internally the past 6 months and so much work left to do.  I am far from repaired.  But, at least for now, I have begun the healthy work of regaining my composure after stumbling down a dark path for many, many months. The sun is peeking through the trees and these tiny laser beams are shining specks of hope on the road ahead. 6 Months after the UHaul...I'm hanging on....