Balance

Hello Blogging World,

It's amazing I haven't stepped through your doors sooner.  I've given blogging a lot of thought though, especially since lately I have had this incredible writing burst of energy.  I think it's my souls way of trying to balance out my life. It's competing with that part of my life that demands my mind's logical and objective contributions.  You see, I could use some balance...my current reality is a bit overwhelming. Not in a bad way, just in a really, really overwhelming way.  I'm a mom.  I've got my little sensitive, bright boy, Dante. He's 6.  He's this little light of intelligence and has an old soul.  Then there's my free-spirit firecracker, Isabelle.  She's only 4, but she's got this incredible little identity already.  I've been married 8 years to Dante.  Isabelle takes after him...they're both these passionate, hot-headed, loving, opinionated, go-getters.  My little guy, I like to think his deep little soul came from me. Speaking of balance, I'd say we've got a nice one in our little family.  

Then there's my job. I"m a full-time principal.  I oversee a school of 250 students.  I'm 3 years in, walked away from an incredible teaching job after getting my masters, thinking that I was poised and ready for the challenges of administration only to learn that it was one step away from direct contact with kids and one step closer to direct contact with adults. It's been a challenge everyday to keep my feet grounded and my heart with the kids, while most days I want to run as fast as I can from the fiery pit of administrative politics.  This job has changed me, it's changed my hometown for me, it's changed the way people see me and how I see them, it's changed so much. But the verdict is still out on exactly how and most importantly, why.  I'm still on this journey, which is one reason I wanted to blog.  I'm a writer, so I'm constantly analyzing my life for meaning.  I don't believe for a moment life is just a random set of circumstances. I believe choices, relationships, challenges, joys, heartaches and all the other circumstances of life are all somehow interrelated. They weave together to form stories and themes about life and who we are. We are all a story.  I'm still figuring out how this principal gig plays into my plot...but one things for sure, I'm determined for this chapter in my life to have meaning.

Okay, so where were we before I got philosophical (I tend to take those detours every now and then). Oh yes...mother, wife, principal....and now...student. So as if I hadn't loaded my plate with enough Thanksgiving dinner, I have recently added another side!  I have enrolled in the doctoral program at the University of Phoenix.  Why?  Well, gee, life wasn't crazy enough, ya know?  I had only managed to fill 22 hours of my day with my other responsibilities, so I needed something to do with the other 2! ha. No, really, I guess I pulled the trigger because I have learned that anything is possible and this shall be one more journey I embark on to keep me floating higher and higher.  

So, I'm starting a blog because my life is so, so serious. It's so, so full. And yes, while I am a willing participant in scholarly conversations and administrative tasks that demand data-driven analysis and constructive, critical problem-solving, I am also, at my very core, a creative soul, bursting with this writing energy.  I feel a connection to words, to language, to the beauty and power of them. Words fix me.  They make my emotions tangible and real.  They are a part of who I am and with all that has been consuming my life, they have not materialized the way they should have over the last couple of years. Yet lately, I'm even dreaming of writing.  

I hadn't really creatively written in years.  But then the other day, though I had somehow lost touch with my writing...my writing found me. 

I was have a horrible day. It was the culmination of many bad days and pure frustration over broken relationships and rough waters.  I wanted to throw something, cry, explode...something.  I needed some way to cope.  To deal with the onset of cumbustion.  Then, almost as if being pulled in a dreary trance, I opened my laptop and through tears, my emotions materialized: 

Shaking and weak, but lifted and moving
She’s the foot in front of the other, positioned for proving
That these tears are not weakness, they are the inner floods draining
Because she is not dying, she is holding on, she is sustaining

She is the whispers that twine into a soft, pleading prayer
The deep drawn breath that fills the chest with air
And when the heart weakens, it’s rhythm left for dead, bloody in the street
She pounds into our inner bass drum and revives it’s steady beat

She is the force that pulls the defeated hands back down from the sky
So they are free to revive the soul that refuses to die
She is the wind on our back that moves us inexplicably on
That pulls our gaze from the ground and towards the morning dawn

She is voice in the distance that beckons the bloodied warrior to rise
To drag her body off the crimson sand and look her past in his eyes
And when the earth swallows us into the mouth of ravenous quick sand
She reaches through the darkness and drags our breathless body to land

She is the vessel that crashes against the crushing tides of life’s relentless sea
Her name is Strength...and tonight she resides in me.

It was total release and it reminded me of what my therapy looks like. I've been craving it ever since.  So, I'm going to give blogging a shot.   To allow my soul to feast on the creative banquet.  To take me back to a familiar place. To bring peace to chaos...to give me, and my bursting little soul... balance.