Been A While--

I literally could not even remember the web address to my blogging site, because it's been so long. But, I spent the latter of the last hour searching desperately for access to my blog because the urge to write has been clawing at my soul for the last several days. I would venture to guess this is due mostly to the fact that I have had some much needed down time after a whirlwind of a school year....and I would also venture to guess it's because I have had a whirlwind of a school year and need to get some things off my chest.

I just completed my 4th year as a middle school principal. I am convinced more than ever that this job will never get easier. I think experience helps minimize the pressure of some of the compliance issues, but the emotional toll---there's never relief. The politics of this job are insane and the pressure to rise to the challenges that face not only public education in general, but public education in a rural community are surmounting.  I think I've gotten good (or at least better) at some of the managerial aspects of this job. I wonder if I will ever get good at balancing the emotional toll that a job like this takes on you.

I have been challenged in ways that I could have never imagined in the last 9 months. If I listed them all, nobody would ever make it through this blog. Some of those challenges I have met with dignity and integrity, and some of them I lost my balance and fell into the gutter.  Particularly, several months back, after the political warfare that plagued my district and school came to a head, I took to social media to defend my school. It ended up as front page news, literally.  Now,  I would have never in a million years guessed that my emotional response would have been important enough to put an editors fingers to the keyboard, but nonetheless, it was. I have struggled since seeing my name smeared across the font of the local paper to come to terms with that situation. On one hand there is a small part of me that feels proud to own the stance I took against many of the fallacies that have shaken the foundation of trust in our schools within our community. I did then and still do believe in my district.  That is not a bad thing, nor should it be perceived as one.  You wouldn't want me on the front lines if I didn't believe in the work we do in Bisbee. You wouldn't want me there if there wasn't a sense that I had a deep loyalty to BUSD, our cause, our kids, and education in general. The truth is, I do believe in what I do, I believe I am part of a bigger picture that can make a difference for the kids in the town I grew up in. I could literally work in any school in America, but I choose to stay with my Bisbee family...to serve the kids of the families I have known for generations. I have no hidden agenda or cause. My ambitions do not extend beyond my current mission. Defending the work I do, that the amazing people I work with do, that is not a bad thing.   I am also a fierce supporter of my 1st Amendment rights, and contrary to the paper's attempt to make this a violation of my district policy and dangle my employment up against my decision, I will never back down from the defense of my freedom to air my opinion of the organization that has put faith in my ability to serve as principal.  But...on the other hand, there is something very damaging about seeing your own name swaddled in controversy. By nature, I am not a person drawn to conflict, so this rattled me to the core.  But, it's done. The headline hit the press, hit the newsstand, hit the front doors of my neighbors, friends, family and enemies.  I second-guess my decision daily, particularly my decision to wrestle in the mud with people who are, quite frankly, much better at mud-slinging than I will ever be. This was one of the greatest challenges I have faced in the last 9 months and in my career in general.

Now, with a little distance between that headline and now, I've got to get to a place of acceptance and take from it what I can.  Perhaps the greatest lesson of all for me is that you may not have the political forces on your side and that sometimes the popular rhetoric is not always telling the true story. However, that should not deter you from your efforts or make you stray from your intended path.  I was not always on the popular side this school year and yet my loyalties did not shift from the minority to the popular majority.  This is true.  I'm kinda proud of myself for staying the course and planting my feet firmly on the side of my conscience and my truth.  I'm also proud that I'm choosing to stick with this, despite the ever-growing temptation to jump ship.  I'm still here. I'm still standing. I took a few punches this school year, but I also think I grew a few new muscles.

My Achilles heel has always been how personally I take this job.  I struggle leaving it at the door every day. I'll bring a laptop case full of papers and job-related worries through my front door every night.  My worries and fears, the bullets and blows, the heartaches, triumphs, and failures find their way as the third person in my bed every time my head hits the pillow. I've seen the hours of 2, 3, 4...the various cycles of the moon, and the shadows on the wall thinking about this job.  Critics of this will say that it will be my downfall. That my inability to draw a clear and visible line in the sand between my personal and professional life will eventually drive me right out of this job.  Supporters will appreciate how personally I take it and how much of my own emotional self I pour into the work I do. Perhaps they are both right. Only time will tell. I, for one, hope to believe that there is something to be said about the vague line in the sand.  That...investing this much into a job that literally, and I mean literally, shapes human lives, is not a bad thing.  It takes someone with both the mind and the heart. If you are missing one or the other, I can't imagine how you could possibly impact change.

Last week marked the end of the school year.  A young lady who entered my school mid-year in a desperate attempt to run from a shattered past and very dark existence came into my office and put down a note without saying a word.  Now, mind you, this is a young lady whose face I hardly saw because she kept her eyes hidden under dark long hair. She was a rebel to the core, from her clothing to her attitude, everything about her was screaming for help.  Of all the kids in the school, she's the last I would have ever guessed would have taken the time to write me a note. I can't quote it exactly, but the message was one of thanks. Thanks for giving her a chance, for believing in her, for being so kind to her and for opening up my office to her.

This is often a thankless job--but when the thanks do come, they are profound and deeply meaningful.  It was exactly what I needed to end the year. That little note will never make the headlines or sell the newspapers, but I have vowed to invest more of my over-emotional self into the message of that note than into the headline that smeared my name.  I'm still here. I'm still standing.

And that note...that note is exactly why.